# A good friend of mine declined a wedding invitation recently although he would very much liked to have accepted. He had no other prior engagement?if he had, he would have broken it willingly ?he just did not have a dark grey suit and had no money to buy or hire one?being a student, he has a very limited income. Although his friends, and the couple getting married, said it didn't matter what he wore, he was adamant and stayed away. Of course, what stopped his attending was the idea of 'sticking out like a sore thumb' among the guests in church and at the reception. He was sure other guests would disapprove and that he would feel conspicuous and uncomfortable. In fact, he suffered from a short, sharp bout of a form of fear which affects all of us, often?the fear of
humiliation.
Anxiety
about
possible
humiliation is
one
of the
most corrosive and insidious barriers to
living a full and normal life and stops many people from ever reaching their full potential. It can discourage people from ever going out on a limb, trying something new or ever extending themselves and so having a chance fully to discover the depth and range of their own personalities. There are many uninhibited people who will 'try anything for a laugh', who can laugh at their own failures and not mind others witnessing those failures. But those of us who accept that what people think of us doesn't matter are far fewer than those who 'would rather die' than go through public humiliation. Perhaps this fear is more marked now in a society which sets such a high premium on 'making
it' and
being 'with
it' and?more important?being Nobody has ever liked ridicule or enjoyed looking a fool but the lengths to whicb people go not to risk mockery seem to have reached unreasonable proportions. The ramifications of avoiding humiliation per' vade just about every facet of our lives. TheY hinder relationships, impoverish social life, limit initiative and breadth at work, can make love in1' possible and virtually disable a large section of modern youth. Making stable emotional and social relationship5 is a difficult enough process even when those coD' cerned are confident and uninhibited. The business of getting to know someone demands two-wa) revelations. You must give an insight of and receive whatever the other person is to give in return. An element of trust is implied in the process, you must exchange confidence5 about each other and let your 'real self be knoW1 for a relationship to have meaning and to give it3 chance to grow and become something of value. If you trust then you also make yourself vulnef able. You reveal your dreams and aspirations, yoUf hopes and fears. You communicate in a way y^ would not do with a casual acquaintance. Allowing the other person to see your vulnerability is ^
seen
to be with it.
yourself prepare^
essential for a deep relationship. You leave yoUf self wide open for betrayal, mockery and humili3' tion if you choose to share confidences with tbe wrong
people.
us just are not prepared to risk it. Tbc 'backlash' could be too much to bear. So making3 real connection is never attempted for fear of tbe
Many of
J
superficial level. Once the attempt has been made and the rebuff has been felt, caution is doubled and it is much harder the next time. The same sort of limitations hamper success and achievement in our wider social lives and leisure enjoy doing the things we activities. We generally
are
good at?this is
a
reasonable enough equation.
the But many of us are notoriously impatient with learner. We all known the man who gives up going to the tennis club because his service keeps ploughto come on ing into the net and the people waiting exists in He it time each happens. to court laugh any context you may care to name. Because they don't think they are good enough in to participate, people steer clear of activities which they have a real and sincere interest?they
of want acceptance but think themselves unworthy imit. The amount of talent wasted on this basis is enormous. One possible to calculate but must be of Gray's elegy, of the reasons for the popularity in a country churchyard, could well be its
?ir|s?in
the,r wear'?on the.r their interpretation of 'formal wear'-on 'in-group' wedding of a rhythm and blues singe
to the
London recently -1 -v"dication "dication
International
filiating
consequences. In
some cases
it
is no
^?ssible high level of communication ecause the people concerned are not sufficien y articulate. But this can be a convenient slip-roaa, escape clause for people who claim an inabiii y 0 is express their feelings when the breakdown a. ver than Motional and psychological rather This fear of commitment and the possi of misplaced trust, then, stop many r?m achieving real interaction and make 1 i to reach a
ponies
P?ssible ?51?ie
P^?P ^
for them to relate on tor
uui anything but anyining
a
?
P po
1
written continued relevance to needless anonymity: 'Full many a flower is born to blush unseen air.' And waste its sweetness on the desert Milton' up just a be inglorious 'mute, There may the road. comWithin the complex organisation of the mercial world one of the worst crimes imaginable ill-timed or is to be wrong, or to say something or rival a boss of stupid. To do so within earshot calculated to response blistering a invites pithy, Humiliation in the make capital out of your error. scar tissue, since in results lasting situation work those who inand humiliation the scene of the avoided. be cannot it flicted transformed This fear of humiliation factor is mouth except to say of your fear opening a into about which there can 'yes' or to say something with ideas, initiative and be no controversy. People for years until they in meetings flair may sit silently to feel able to 'fly kites'. By are senior enough and initiative which time most of their spontaneity
away anyway. may well have atrophied of all is to say humiliation the greatest Perhaps has diffisomeone If rebuff. a 'I love you' and get for them, the then, relationships culty making as far as an expression gamble involved in getting Those of us who enormous. seem must of love the felt feelings, and had and have said the words that it is a signal for the know them reciprocated, release pent-up emotions flood-gates to open and To say the words withsharing. of joyful a in flurry reaction what you will get adds out quite knowing few moments any of us probably tensest the to up of love in this context is that ever face. The value as a possible factor it removes fear of humiliation or inept you foolish However in the relationship. in front of a person who loves times at may appear 15
you, it doesn't matter, if feelings for each other.
anything
it enhances the
Fear of a negative response and the humiliation this would cause acts as a barrier to many people and makes them incapable of taking the risk involved in expressing such a total commitment as love. Better not to say it and retain your selfrespect than to be rejected and lose it?this seems to be the attitude. There is no need to detail the potential unhappiness such excessive wariness could entail.
Young people obviously suffer more humiliation than other age groups. They expose themselves to the possibility of being mocked and ridiculed more often than their elders who have learnt (if that is the right word) some guile after taking a few hard knocks. With such an enormous emphasis being placed on the importance of being up to date and on the scene, the young can be humiliated more easily and more often?and usually by their own
age group. When you can be embarrassed because what you are wearing went out of fashion two weeks ago or because you didn't know that a pop star had finished with his girl-friend then the scope of vulnerability is much wider. Parents who are 'old fashioned' can easily humiliate their adolescent children in front of their friends without being aware of it in the slightest. This often accounts for the dogged determination with which teenagers keep friends and parents
apart. They are not so much ashamed of their parents but rather afraid of how such a meeting would affect their standing with their friends.
Advertising, particularly for teenage marketsplays on the fears of humiliation to an appreciable extent?forcing them into a stereotyped 'acceptability' in the interests of selling them more and more paraphernalia which guarantees being up-tO' the-minute and reduces the risks of them being mocked by their friends. It is equivalent to apply* ing the sales technique for under-arm deodorants to
every product imaginable?first, worry them then provide the solution (product) that will le1 them stop worrying. If we are afraid to be ourselves then we af? afraid of living. Allowing a fear of how we appear to others to become an obsession can be social^ and occupationally disabling. Fear of 'what tbe neighbours will think', etc., is part of the middle' class quest for respectability and obviously ca" contribute to the development of neurosis. Theff is plenty to worry about in this world witho^ creating anxieties about ourselves of our o^11 making but, unfortunately and naturally, we a'* apt to be obsessed with ourselves?it is really 3 question of putting ourselves in perspective.
humiliation.
Anxiety
about
possible
humiliation is
one
of the
most corrosive and insidious barriers to
living a full and normal life and stops many people from ever reaching their full potential. It can discourage people from ever going out on a limb, trying something new or ever extending themselves and so having a chance fully to discover the depth and range of their own personalities. There are many uninhibited people who will 'try anything for a laugh', who can laugh at their own failures and not mind others witnessing those failures. But those of us who accept that what people think of us doesn't matter are far fewer than those who 'would rather die' than go through public humiliation. Perhaps this fear is more marked now in a society which sets such a high premium on 'making
it' and
being 'with
it' and?more important?being Nobody has ever liked ridicule or enjoyed looking a fool but the lengths to whicb people go not to risk mockery seem to have reached unreasonable proportions. The ramifications of avoiding humiliation per' vade just about every facet of our lives. TheY hinder relationships, impoverish social life, limit initiative and breadth at work, can make love in1' possible and virtually disable a large section of modern youth. Making stable emotional and social relationship5 is a difficult enough process even when those coD' cerned are confident and uninhibited. The business of getting to know someone demands two-wa) revelations. You must give an insight of and receive whatever the other person is to give in return. An element of trust is implied in the process, you must exchange confidence5 about each other and let your 'real self be knoW1 for a relationship to have meaning and to give it3 chance to grow and become something of value. If you trust then you also make yourself vulnef able. You reveal your dreams and aspirations, yoUf hopes and fears. You communicate in a way y^ would not do with a casual acquaintance. Allowing the other person to see your vulnerability is ^
seen
to be with it.
yourself prepare^
essential for a deep relationship. You leave yoUf self wide open for betrayal, mockery and humili3' tion if you choose to share confidences with tbe wrong
people.
us just are not prepared to risk it. Tbc 'backlash' could be too much to bear. So making3 real connection is never attempted for fear of tbe
Many of
J
superficial level. Once the attempt has been made and the rebuff has been felt, caution is doubled and it is much harder the next time. The same sort of limitations hamper success and achievement in our wider social lives and leisure enjoy doing the things we activities. We generally
are
good at?this is
a
reasonable enough equation.
the But many of us are notoriously impatient with learner. We all known the man who gives up going to the tennis club because his service keeps ploughto come on ing into the net and the people waiting exists in He it time each happens. to court laugh any context you may care to name. Because they don't think they are good enough in to participate, people steer clear of activities which they have a real and sincere interest?they
of want acceptance but think themselves unworthy imit. The amount of talent wasted on this basis is enormous. One possible to calculate but must be of Gray's elegy, of the reasons for the popularity in a country churchyard, could well be its
?ir|s?in
the,r wear'?on the.r their interpretation of 'formal wear'-on 'in-group' wedding of a rhythm and blues singe
to the
London recently -1 -v"dication "dication
International
filiating
consequences. In
some cases
it
is no
^?ssible high level of communication ecause the people concerned are not sufficien y articulate. But this can be a convenient slip-roaa, escape clause for people who claim an inabiii y 0 is express their feelings when the breakdown a. ver than Motional and psychological rather This fear of commitment and the possi of misplaced trust, then, stop many r?m achieving real interaction and make 1 i to reach a
ponies
P?ssible ?51?ie
P^?P ^
for them to relate on tor
uui anything but anyining
a
?
P po
1
written continued relevance to needless anonymity: 'Full many a flower is born to blush unseen air.' And waste its sweetness on the desert Milton' up just a be inglorious 'mute, There may the road. comWithin the complex organisation of the mercial world one of the worst crimes imaginable ill-timed or is to be wrong, or to say something or rival a boss of stupid. To do so within earshot calculated to response blistering a invites pithy, Humiliation in the make capital out of your error. scar tissue, since in results lasting situation work those who inand humiliation the scene of the avoided. be cannot it flicted transformed This fear of humiliation factor is mouth except to say of your fear opening a into about which there can 'yes' or to say something with ideas, initiative and be no controversy. People for years until they in meetings flair may sit silently to feel able to 'fly kites'. By are senior enough and initiative which time most of their spontaneity
away anyway. may well have atrophied of all is to say humiliation the greatest Perhaps has diffisomeone If rebuff. a 'I love you' and get for them, the then, relationships culty making as far as an expression gamble involved in getting Those of us who enormous. seem must of love the felt feelings, and had and have said the words that it is a signal for the know them reciprocated, release pent-up emotions flood-gates to open and To say the words withsharing. of joyful a in flurry reaction what you will get adds out quite knowing few moments any of us probably tensest the to up of love in this context is that ever face. The value as a possible factor it removes fear of humiliation or inept you foolish However in the relationship. in front of a person who loves times at may appear 15
you, it doesn't matter, if feelings for each other.
anything
it enhances the
Fear of a negative response and the humiliation this would cause acts as a barrier to many people and makes them incapable of taking the risk involved in expressing such a total commitment as love. Better not to say it and retain your selfrespect than to be rejected and lose it?this seems to be the attitude. There is no need to detail the potential unhappiness such excessive wariness could entail.
Young people obviously suffer more humiliation than other age groups. They expose themselves to the possibility of being mocked and ridiculed more often than their elders who have learnt (if that is the right word) some guile after taking a few hard knocks. With such an enormous emphasis being placed on the importance of being up to date and on the scene, the young can be humiliated more easily and more often?and usually by their own
age group. When you can be embarrassed because what you are wearing went out of fashion two weeks ago or because you didn't know that a pop star had finished with his girl-friend then the scope of vulnerability is much wider. Parents who are 'old fashioned' can easily humiliate their adolescent children in front of their friends without being aware of it in the slightest. This often accounts for the dogged determination with which teenagers keep friends and parents
apart. They are not so much ashamed of their parents but rather afraid of how such a meeting would affect their standing with their friends.
Advertising, particularly for teenage marketsplays on the fears of humiliation to an appreciable extent?forcing them into a stereotyped 'acceptability' in the interests of selling them more and more paraphernalia which guarantees being up-tO' the-minute and reduces the risks of them being mocked by their friends. It is equivalent to apply* ing the sales technique for under-arm deodorants to
every product imaginable?first, worry them then provide the solution (product) that will le1 them stop worrying. If we are afraid to be ourselves then we af? afraid of living. Allowing a fear of how we appear to others to become an obsession can be social^ and occupationally disabling. Fear of 'what tbe neighbours will think', etc., is part of the middle' class quest for respectability and obviously ca" contribute to the development of neurosis. Theff is plenty to worry about in this world witho^ creating anxieties about ourselves of our o^11 making but, unfortunately and naturally, we a'* apt to be obsessed with ourselves?it is really 3 question of putting ourselves in perspective.
